28 August 2010 @ 03:18 pm
Title: Sleepless
Author: [livejournal.com profile] omen1x2
Rating: R
Fandom: TVXQ
Pairing: JaeChun
Disclaimer: Like all fanfic writers, I twist reality to please me.
Summary: Jaejoong stares at him for an eternity, and wonders if it's healthy to get this invested in a person this fast.
A/N: An extremely late birthday fic for [livejournal.com profile] vermeil.




Sleepless
by Omen-chan




The first time it happens, they'd been practicing all day, and Jaejoong's a will o' the wisp in the breeze, exhaustion rolling through him and making him feel transparent, barely there. He thinks he could sleep forever, and he almost doesn't make it up the ladder to his bed, wonders briefly if he could just crash in Yoochun's with a sleepy grin ("I was lonely" instead of the clear fatigue running thick through his veins, as if admitting it is some kind of weakness). But he makes it, and doesn't even care that he still has his clothes on, that his skin is greasy from sweat.

It's only four hours later, and he can't understand why he's awake. He'd jerked out of his sound sleep as abruptly as if an alarm had sounded in his ear, and it takes him several minutes before his weary mind can process it.

He sleepwalks his way to the living room and leans against the door. Yoochun's curled up in the corner of the sofa, as if making himself small enough could make him pretend like he's not here.

Jaejoong's jumbled thoughts seem to steamroll into incoherent words. "You weren't snoring."

Yoochun looks at him, eyes bloodshot. Maybe it's the hour (three am always makes too much and too little sense), but Yoochun understands what he's trying to say.

"It happens to me sometimes," is all he murmurs in reply, and shrugs.

Jaejoong stares at him for an eternity, and wonders if it's healthy to get this invested in a person this fast. He pushes himself off the door. "Come on." He waves a hand and half-stumbles towards the entrance. He knows Yoochun's following without having to look.

"Where are we going?"

"Does it matter?"




There's no real trigger for it, Jaejoong realizes after the fifth time of stealing keys, of pretending he's trying not to nod off in the passenger seat, of playing with sand and low laughs accompanied by murmured jokes. Some nights, Yoochun simply can't sleep, and he never talks about it, outside the safety of night air so cool that there's no difference between nicotine and breath, as if spreading the knowledge will spread the disease.

At first, Yoochun slinks off to hide like an injured puppy. And Jaejoong thinks maybe Yoochun's right, because Yoochun's insomnia is contagious. Jaejoong can never seem to sleep without him. Somehow, Yoochun's absence grows in the room like a tumor, spreading over every inch of it, covering Changmin's sleepy murmurs and Junsu's too-active shifting until Jaejoong can't breathe anymore and has to escape too.

And Yoochun will meet Jaejoong's eyes, his own dark with guilt (he hates this, he hates that it's affecting more than him and he can't even control it) until Jaejoong smiles and takes Yoochun's hand as if to say, "Hey, it's okay. Your pain is my pain, and the only thing that would hurt worse is to not share it at all."

Maybe one day he'll even have the strength to say it.




One night, Jaejoong doesn't have to wake up to suffocation and that moment of panicked loneliness, because Yoochun's right there, hands pale in the moonlight as they cling to the outside of his bed, and whispers, "You want to get out of here?"

A sleepy smile, and Jaejoong's turning and pushing himself up enough to press his forehead against skin. The twist in his heart this time is much more pleasant than that painful squeeze when he wakes up and Yoochun's not there. "Where are we going?" He still doesn't move.

One hand slowly shifts, losing its death grip on the ladder (Yoochun's fear of heights isn't rational, he knows the fall won't hurt him, but he still holds on like letting go will destroy him) and lets it rest against Jaejoong's hair. "Does it matter?"

Still half asleep, Jaejoong presses a kiss to the inside of Yoochun's wrist. His heart's twisting and tripping inside his chest because Yoochun knows he won't let him fall.




Their first kiss is somewhere between a drunken dream and sharp reality. They're sitting on the hood of the car, surreptitiously passing a bottle back and forth with a cigarette, and it's like a freefall, so natural and unstoppable, but it happens so fast that it's almost like it didn't happen at all.

Only it did, and Jaejoong only has to flick his tongue out to taste the remnants of soju and nicotine and more.

They're both holding their hearts in their hands as if they aren't quite sure what to do with them. The walls they'd built up had tumbled down a lifetime ago, from that first hello, but they're still two terrified little boys that can't handle any more hurt.

They pass bottles and smokes back and forth, and Jaejoong pretends like he hadn't given Yoochun his heart a lifetime ago anyway.




And then it's Jaejoong that's on the sofa, his pillow clutched tightly in his arms as the pain and the nightmares become too much for him to stay in bed, biting back his screams until his lips are bleeding and his eyes are blacker than night in his pale face. His nightmares are all the same (not new, nothing new ever since he knew of the chance that they might make him leave), just worse and more constant now that he's damaged, broken, and maybe it's a good thing he can't sleep because at least this way he's not missing a single moment of this makeshift family. He can hold onto it with both hands and file away the knowledge and memories of Yunho's sleeping face, of Changmin's sleep-talking and Junsu's inability to hold still even in repose.

He tries not to think about Yoochun because the thought of never watching him sleep again, making late night snacks as he acts bratty and spoiled and heartwrenchingly cute all at once, never being able to run away in the middle of the night together or watch tired eyes crinkle with warmth and laughter through the haze of cigarette smoke makes the pain in his heart overshadow the pain in his leg until hot tears leak from his eyes and he's hiding sobs in his pillow instead of screams.

Warm hands appear in his hair and he looks up, momentarily distracted, to see Yoochun smiling sleepily at him from over the back of the sofa. The world has shifted and it's Yoochun holding Jaejoong close, fighting sleep and murmuring soft nothings and "it'll be okays" into the back of his neck.

They can't escape this time, but this is okay, and Jaejoong presses back into Yoochun, right leg spread out in front of him on the couch, and for a moment, the briefest moment, the pain is gone as he half-turns and they're kissing.

Yoochun gives Jaejoong the heart he's always had anyway, and Jaejoong's only just a little annoyed that he was beaten to the punch, but that's okay too, and they kiss again.




Another sleepless night (Jaejoong wonders sometimes if he can live without sleep as long as he's living on Park Yoochun; that's how addictions are anyway, right?), and teeth and tongues slide along inked skin, night air filters in through an open window and the backseat of Yoochun's car is a little like heaven. Soft gasps press heat into Yoochun's hair and hands are everywhere as they rock together, gripping close and leaving marks, caressing and hard and Jaejoong doesn't want to close his eyes but he can't help it.

He thinks maybe he dies each time, because there's no other explanation for each rebirth, each new day making him feel a little less like himself and a little more like all he is (all he'll ever be) is Yoochun's, but he doesn't mind, because he knows that each new day makes Yoochun a little more his.

Jaejoong thinks that maybe they choose not to sleep now as he curls fingers into thick locks and pulls Yoochun close for another kiss (he wonders if his addiction to hands and hair, lips and dimples are just another side of his addiction to Yoochun, or if they're each alone in their own right and maybe it isn't healthy to be this invested in one person, but addictions aren't supposed to be healthy anyway and this one's had years to grow). Sleeping means having one less moment, one less chance to whisper tired "I love yous" into the crisp night air.

And then soft snores lull Jaejoong to sleep anyway.




~fin~
 
 
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