14 June 2011 @ 09:12 pm
DBSK; Interventions; PG-13  
Title: Interventions
Author: [livejournal.com profile] omen1x2
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: DBSK/TVXQ
Pairing(s): JaeChun, MinSu, YunJae, YooSu, Heechul/Yunho
Disclaimer: Like all fanfic writers, I twist reality to please me.
Summary: The boys have serious problems, and rehab is found necessary. Absolute, complete, and total crack humor.




Interventions
By Omen-chan



Day One

“Now, gentlemen. I believe you all know why you are here.” The doctor crossed his legs and looked at each young man in turn.

“Not… really?”

“Is that so, Kim Junsu sshi? No one has informed you as to why we find your presence necessary today?”

“Well, they said-”

“I’m not gay,” Yunho interjected forcefully.

“Now, Jung Yunho sshi. It is quite rude to interrupt.”

“I don’t care. I’m not gay.”

“Your turn will come later. And remember, denial is a perfectly natural place to begin.”

“It’s not denial just because I’m denying-”

“Now, Junsu sshi. You were saying that no one has informed you as to the reason behind these required meetings?”

“I never said that. I just said that I didn’t know why I am here. I’m not gay either.”

The doctor sighed and pressed a hand to his forehead. “Is no one willing to take the first step and admitting your problem?”

Yoochun looked up. “I’m bi. Does that count?”

The doctor ignored him. “And how do you feel about this, Kim Jaejoong sshi and Shim Changmin sshi?”

Changmin gave it long and serious thought. “I’m not gay.”

“Now, really, boys, if you aren’t willing to take this seriously-”

“I like Junsu, though.”

Junsu brightened visibly.

“But that doesn’t make me gay.”

“Changmin sshi, I believe the definition of ‘gay’ states that-”

“Hey, Junsu’s a sweet guy with great physique and a nice ass. I would appreciate all these qualities just as much if he were a woman. He just doesn’t have boobs. I like boobs. Hence, not gay.” He stood up and stretched. A few of them watched this with expressions from interested to amused to vague. “Well, it’s been fun, guys. Really. I’m going home. You can deal with this moron.” He ignored the doctor’s insulted sputterings as he made his way to the door. “Oh, and Junsu, if you and that gorgeous ass of yours should fall into my bed later, I won’t complain.”

Junsu pressed a finger to his chin and tilted his head, considering.

Before the doctor could get over being so insulted, Jaejoong finally decided to throw his oar in. “I’m not gay either.”

Every single one of those remaining in the circle looked at him in adamant disbelief.

“What? I’m not. I’ve had girlfriends.”

“… Really, hyung? What did you do with them when they spent the night? Braid their hair?”

Jaejoong stuck his tongue out at Yoochun and smacked the back of his head, only it turned out to be more like a caress. Yoochun leaned into it with a smile.

The doctor glared at them all through his glasses. This simply was not going well. “So I take it all of you want to do this the hard way, then?”

Yoochun grinned, filthy, and opened his mouth. Junsu clapped a hand over it before whatever impending joke could emerge.

Jaejoong said it instead. “’The hard way’? What, are you going to make us fuck in front of you to see if we like it?”

Yunho and Junsu flushed, tucking their chins into their shirt collars.

Jaejoong and Yoochun shared a look, grinning, as the doctor was rendered speechless yet again.

Yoochun waved a hand, dismissing, and knocking Junsu’s hand to the side. “He probably had it set up so that we’d fuck girls instead, only he couldn’t find any females that weren’t related to you.”

“I’ve heard importing them can be a hot commodity.”

“Really? What were you planning on doing with them? Playing cards?”

“I didn’t say I wanted to import them.”

“Yeah, you didn’t say you wanted to fuck them either, Mr. I’m-Not-Gay.”

“Why is that so hard for people to believe?”

No one even bothered to answer.



Day Two

Changmin glared at the doctor from his chair and twisted his hands, trying to undo the knots.

Jaejoong poked him. “You know, I rather like him like this.”

Changmin tried to bite his finger.

Yoochun poked his other side. “I think a gag would be appropriate also. What do you think, Junsu?”

Junsu blinked slowly and then turned to look at him. “… Huh?”

“Uh-oh, hyung. I think we broke his brain. It was so fragile to begin with…”

The doctor glared at them all. “Shut up. No talking.”

They ignored him.

Jaejoong decided that his seat wasn’t comfortable enough and decided to sit in Yoochun’s. Only Yoochun still occupied it, so Jaejoong remedied that situation by sitting on his lap and wrapping his arms around him.

Yoochun smiled, self-satisfied.

Suddenly, there was a loud scuffle from outside. Horrible screams of “Rape! Kidnapping! Murder!” were heard, but no one seemed to care as a large bundle of human was thrown into the room without ceremony.

Yunho glared up at them all from the floor. “Good to know when I’m in danger, my friends will come flying to my rescue.”

Jaejoong, Yoochun, and Junsu slowly turned to look down at Yunho, lying at their feet. “Sorry,” Junsu mumbled, somewhat chagrined. “I was a little distracted.”

Changmin sniffed. “I am tied up.”

“No kidding? Me too.” Yunho decided they could forgive him a little sarcasm. “At least you’ve got a chair.”

“I didn’t try to leave the country. I suppose that helped.”

“Damn it, I would leave the fucking planet if I thought it could get me away from these stupid, pointless meetings.”

EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN.” The doctor lowered his voice and looked down at them from where he stood on his chair. “If I may begin now…”

“No, I don’t think that’s necessary,” Yoochun drawled lazily. “I already admitted to being bi. No denial, no problems.” He slid his hand around Jaejoong’s waist and pulled him closer. “Can I go now?”

Absolutely not. The whole point of this endeavor is to cure you from these unnatural-”

Junsu frowned. “Oh, it’s one of those things, is it? That’s stupid.” He maneuvered around Jaejoong to grab Yoochun’s head and pull him in for a sloppy, wet kiss.

Jaejoong contemplated murder. But then decided there were too many witnesses, even if two of them were tied up and entirely at his mercy.

Junsu pulled away and sniffed. Yoochun looked a little dazed. “And I’m not even gay, dickwad.” Moving away from the seated pair, he walked over to Changmin’s chair and started dragging it and its occupant to the door.

“Um, Junsu, wouldn’t it be easier to just untie me?”

“Maybe. But I like you like this.”

As the doctor watched these two leave, he secretly contemplated the possibility of the slow increase of departing members over the course of each meeting. First day, one, second day, two… Would the next meeting have three untimely departures? He then shook his head and decided the hypothesis was irrelevant.

“I’m still not gay,” Yunho said from the floor.

Yoochun poked him with his toe. “Not according to millions of fangirls.”

“Well, according to millions of fangirls, I’m boinking that pretty boy in your lap.”

Jaejoong made a face. “Don’t call me that.”

“And I’m not boinking that pretty boy in your lap, therefore, the fangirls must be wrong.”

The doctor, Jaejoong, and Yoochun all stared at him.

“Really? Really? That’s the best reasoning you’ve got?”

“And since when are we not boinking, Yunho? I thought-”

“Don’t pretend to know what that English slang word means, Jaejoong.”

Yoochun whispered something in Jaejoong’s ear.

“Oh.”



Day Three

The doctor kneeled, alone in the empty room, and clasped his hands fervently. “Please, Lord, let them just not come today… Please, please, please-”

His ardent prayer was interrupted by the entrance of not one, not two, but all five of the Dong Bang Shin Ki pop stars. Plus one.

“Who the hell-”

Yunho grinned and flapped his hand as he wrapped an arm around the young man’s shoulders. “Doc, I’d like you to meet my boyfriend, Kim Heechul!” he said ecstatically, lisping a little. “Isn’t he loooooooooovely?” The two of them rubbed noses, grinning.

“Wh- Wha-”

“I have to thank you so much, doctor, for seeing the truth when I kept denying it! Now I’m so much happier! Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“No, the whole point was to make you not-”

“But, doctor, if I’d never gone to these lessons, I might have never realized the truth about myself! Wouldn’t it have been better for you to leave it as is if that was your goal, then?”

Changmin shook his head. “No, no. We discussed it, and we realized you truly did have our best interests at heart. We promise to never lie to ourselves like that again.”

“NO, I swear, I-”

Junsu interrupted him with a hug. “You’re the best, doc! Promise you’ll come to the wedding!”

Wed-”

“A double wedding! It’ll be great! It’ll have to be in America, of course, but that’s cool, and Yoochun can just translate everything for us.”

“A dou-”

“I know what you’re thinking, why aren’t Jaejoong and Yoochun getting married too, right? I mean, god, they’re so obvious. But it’s cool, they’ve been married for years already.”

The poor doctor fell away in a dead faint.


~~~~~



“Man, Yunho. I never would have thought all those acting lessons would pay off so well.”

“A man is willing to do anything for a noble cause, don’t you think?”

“And really, what was more noble than this?” Changmin studied his hand intently and discarded a card. “At least it finally cleared our Sunday evenings up again. God, what a pointless, stupid waste of time that was.”

Jaejoong frowned down at his cards. “I really don’t get it. Why does everyone seem to think we’re gay anyway?”

“I’m bi.”

“Yoochun, you’d fuck anything.”

“I don’t know, Youngwoong hyung,” Junsu replied with a sigh, completely ignoring the exchange between Jaejoong and Yoochun. He’d gotten used to it. “I fold.”

Changmin smiled, lazy and cat-like, eyes gleaming. “Off with the pants then, Junsu.”

“Hyuuuuung~” Yoochun whined and tucked his toes under Jaejoong’s naked thigh, inadvertently kicking Yunho’s head from his resting place. “I wouldn’t fuck anything. Just you. And maybe Junsu’s ass. But just because it’s an awesome ass.”

Jaejoong frowned. “Damn it, Yoochun. You’re the reason why we have these rumors.”

The other four just looked at him.

“What?”



~fin~



Author’s Note: Okay, so I randomly got the idea for this when I decided I wanted to dig out my old (VERY old) VHS of But I’m a Cheerleader earlier today. So yeah, that’s where the gay intervention came from. The rest of it, though? God, I don’t even know.
 
 
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[identity profile] omen1x2.livejournal.com on June 18th, 2011 04:13 pm (UTC)
Thanks!